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Thread: Goblin Nonsense

  1. #1
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    Default Goblin Nonsense

    Thornkeep lies beneath the boughs of the Echo Wood in the northwestern edge of the area known as the River Kingdoms. A day or so north lies the nation of Numeria, a land of super-science and barbarism in equal measures. Within the area near Thornkeep lie two other towns. One is the small encampment of Fort Riverwatch, once home to a group of Iomedean paladins. The other is Fort Inevitable, a bastion of the Hellknights and the home of the Citadel for the Order of the Pike. Once, many years ago, there was another town nearby, Mosswater. Unfortunately for the residents there, merrow and scrags in number invaded the town, leaving it in ruins. Scattered among these towns are the ruins of a shattered kingdom or two. Strange architecture that scholars claim is Azlanti in nature dot the forests and glades of the whole area and about 500 years ago a goblin kingdom, the Kingdom of Zog, stood for nearly a century and a half, leaving goblin ruins among the other structures. The fallout of the ending of the Kingdom of Zog was a range of different goblin tribes occupying areas of the Echo Wood. Unique among them, the goblins of the Brambleclaw tribe settled in the shadow of the growing structure known now as Thornkeep. Eventually accepted by the folk there as just a nuisance, the tribe has flourished, even building their own marketplace, the Goblin Bazaar. Led most recently by Great Chief Graalsk, the tribe is on the verge of expansion. A sub-chief, Gobs Ustink, a refugee from another shattered tribe deeper in the Echo Wood, has begun to develop a following among certain members of the tribe. He has risen among the tribe's leadership, publicly slaying a bugbear acting as Graalsk's bodyguard as well as eliminating his only true rival left, a witch. Now, with Gobs followers growing in number, Graalsk has a task for his newest lieutenant and those wishing to follow him. In the darkness of the Brambleclaws bramblemaze home, Graalsk has called a gathering of the tribe. He promised an announcement...

    “Goblins! Give me your attentio-Goblins! Brambl-GOBLINS!!! SHUT UP!” Graalsk's voice cut across the chaos in the subterranean chamber, silencing the chatter of his tribe. Eyeing those assembled in front, all cronies of Gobs, Graalsk began to address them. “Before us stand...Heroes! Soon they will be...MORE Hero!” Graalsk waited for the cheers, and groans, to die down before he pressed onwards. “Brambleclaws need help, need space to grow, need...Quest! Heroes of Brambleclaws! You go to our foes, the BoneDancers of Dismal Caverns. Defeat them! Bring Graalsk the staffs of their shamans. Great power in the staffs! Give Graalsk, and Brambleclaws, just what is needed! So, Go, Heroes! Get staffs, bring glory to tribe!” Graalsk, leaned back in his Bramblethrone, watching Gobs to see how his sub-chief reacted to being sent away, with most of his followers.

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    Chuffy was one of Gobs' followers, and was standing in Ustink's shadow. A thinker, Chuffy plotted. One day, when the BoneDancers were all burned to death, and Gobs had acquired enough power to slay Chief Graalsk and become the new chief of the Brambleclaw Tribe...then, and only then, would Chuffy consider making his move.

    Bark Breaker had blessed Chuffy with skin that was an unnaturally deep, dark green color so tinted that it appeared black in the slightest shadow. One might have thought Chuffy terribly charred by fire, or that his mother had drank too many potions while she was carrying him in her belly, but Chuffy knew better. He was better than other goblins, for he'd been blessed at birth by the ancient Barghests. He was destined to one day rule the tribe. Rule under Chief Chuffy, be it long or short, would be a time of the spread of dog and horse slaying for meat consumption, setting wild fires in the Echo Woods and burning it down along with its pixies and nixies, and the increase of breeding of goblin dogs for the tribe to ride into battle. All this he would do in the name of Bark Breaker. But he would do so much more.

    Chief Chuffy would also spread famine across the rest of Thornkeep by razing orchards and farms in the hot months and raiding trade routes, creating a mass grave for the non-goblinoids after the weak and starving citizens of the siege had been tortured to death. All this he would do in the name of The Most Glorious Neverfull, and place a carved gray-green stone statue of a crow atop the mass grave.

    After Thornkeep had been seized by Chief Chuffy's growing power, he would honor Lady Lastbreath, by scavenging the River Kingdoms for weaker goblin tribes to absorb, and by drowning non-goblinoids in the rivers and bogs of Mosswater until they were well pickled. He would seek out blue and brown crabs when their raiding at last led to a saltwater sea, all for Her.

    And when Chief Chuffy would set out to further seize the River Kingdoms in its entirety, he would look to the Greatest Supreme Chieftain Boss for victory in war, bringing many slaves and more territory into his fold. Goblin supremacy would be complete, at least in the River Kingdoms.

    And at last when the day came when Chief Chuffy was cut down by the goblin more clever than he, his dying breath would be to remind his successor of the madness, arson, nightmares, and death they had spread together, and then Chuffy would be at peace for his meeting with the Mother of Monsters, The Demon Queen.

    "Go, Heroes! Get staffs, bring glory to tribe!”

    Chuffy felt an itch in his ear and stuck a long dirty fingernail inside to scrape and scrub, pulling out a waxy wad perched on his fingertip. The wad was all gone when Chuffy pulled his finger from of his mouth with a sucking sound a moment later, while watching with piggy red eyes at Chief Graalsk watching Gobs. Enraptured and inspired by Chief Graalsk's booming voice, before thinking, Chuffy suddenly burst out in a chant that kept ablaze the fervor of the Chief's call-to-arms after he'd leaned back in his throne.

    "Burn the Dance! Break the Bones! The Dismal Caverns, with blood-stained stones!"

    Chuffy drew his dogslicer from its sheathe and held it pointed in the air, beginning to stomp his feet to the marching rhythm of his chant.

    "Burn the Bones! Break the Dance! The Dismal Caverns, have no chance!"

    "Burn the Dance! Break the Bones!"...
    Last edited by Bong Bellowsmoke; 08-23-2016 at 12:43 AM.
    The Red Condor shrieked at Sir Darvig in full wrath. Wings flapped storms of fire across the sky. "The Mage-God grows in power swifter than it appears to Paladine. This I know. A warning," Sargonnas told Darvigl, "for you to give to Paladine in your prayers."

    “I will,” Darvig uttered.

  3. #3
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    Chuffy's song spread among the assembled tribe like wildfire. New verses sprang up immediately as the whole tribe began to dance and sing. A pair of big-headed goblins were grabbed by their oversize ears and dragged to the center, where a goblin sapper called Snotrokkit began to beat their heads like a pair of drums with the chicken bones he wielded like drumsticks.

    Burn the Bones and Break the Dance, The Dismal Caverns have no chance...
    Burn the dance and break the bones, drive the bone dancers from their homes!

    Shrieking now filled the bramblehall, and those in Thornkeep who could hear the ruckus trembled, unsure of what the hooting horrors emanating from the goblins meant for the rest of the town.

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    On the outskirts of the gathering stood a lone figure in crimson robes with gray embroidery. His clothing was far too rich for his kind, but filthy with ware and worse. He was thin even for a goblin, with a head just big enough to fit a brain much too large for his heritage. The figure leaned upon a steel-tipped spear that was covered in a multitude of vines tied at the ends to mushroom stalks, bones from various critters, and not just a few other gruesome trophies. The grim decoration served a single purpose; to transform the crude weapon into a staff worthy of the elementalist.

    Sparkskar was an anomaly to his people. Wizards were rare among goblinkin, and fire elementalists even less likely to be found. This was not to say that fire was not chief amongst the preferred elements of course. The Bar Breaker himself ruled over fire in the many hells he frequented, and far be it before any self-respecting goblin turned a disinterested chin from delightly burning flames.

    Sparkskar, like his brother Chuffy, was born with unnaturally deep skin with which to blend into his surroundings, however he held no such feelings that this was a blessing. More likely this was the result of his mother's addiction to highly toxic and psychedelic mushrooms. This was an addiction that Sparkskar had inherited himself and what many goblin alike believed lent to his strange interest in elemental magic. Perhaps it was this same wild fungi that had so blessed him with a level of intellect far surpassing many, if not all of his kind?

    By goblin standards Sparkskar was a genius. His aptitude with linguistics was on par with some Elves (by his own estimation) and there was not a rune he couldn't decipher or a spell he couldn't master (as he was want to remind his "peers"). But such intelligence was more a burden than a boon amongst the lower folk of the Bramblehall. His mind only worked against him and his continuous attempts to carve a path of glory and heroic deeds. The other fool impish goblins failed to see the genius in his newfound and glorious power. They saw his magic as wild and beautifully chaotic, but no more entertaining than an alchemist's fire lobbed into a bath house or a torch laid down upon a bale of hay. Idiots...

    Such thoughts echoed in the chamber of his vault-like skull while the fools howled and sang. His cruel eyes darted to the left and right to see that, as usual, none of his peers would stand within a hand's reach of him. Sparkskar spat a gob of disgust upon the ground and a line of spittle dribbled down his fire-scarred jaw. He was Firetamer! Let them fear and despise him, for one day he would be Chief! And perhaps he would let Chuffy be his first if his elder, more maniacal broodling could wet his blades in loyalty.

    Graalsk's laughter was easy to pick out from the rest of the masses. Somewhere the gob boss was relishing in the bloodlust of his dogs. Likely the front of the spectacle now, the rear when the fighting actually started. Sparkskar spat again to clean his jaw of the spittle and pressed through the masses with his spear in an attempt to get to the front. No doubt he'd find Chuffy there, prattling on with his sword and cheering for the idiot boss.

    Any gob foolish enough to halt his progression would receive a snarling threat and burning eyes.

    "Move ye gits! Get ye away! I'll burn the lot o' ye drooling snotlings and eat ye fer supper! Chuffy!"
    Last edited by Dalamar91; 08-27-2016 at 05:10 PM.
    Talon Everett Human Daring Infiltrator3/Rogue1 Wrath of the Righteous
    Ashtari Windglade Kender Fighter2/Rogue7 Hourglass in the Sky
    Sparkskar Brambleclaw Goblin Fire Elementalist2 The Kingdom of Zog

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    "Move ye gits! Get ye away! I'll burn the lot o' ye drooling snotlings and eat ye fer supper! Chuffy!"

    Goblins scattered from the path of the cursed Sparskar. None wished to let his touch...well, Touch them. Graalsk muttered to himself a reminder to make sure the brother of Chuffy was among the 'heroes' sent out to challenge the Bonedancers. The freakish firecaster was... a reader. He put words in his head! Lamashtu herself couldn't know what that did to the mind! Graalsk wouldn't see Sparkskar gone from the Bramblehall fast enough.

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    "Sparky! You runt!" Chuffy chafed at his elder, taller broodling when he interrupted Chuffy's fun, appearing and scattering other revelers and stompers and chanters near Chuffy during his bold approach. Chuffy believed Sparkskar wished to one day rule the tribe, as well. But he was not strong enough. Though Sparky towered over him, Chuffy knew he could spank him in a rassle. But Sparky would one day have his own important role as Chieftain's Chief Counselor under Chief Chuffy's rule, as Chuffy respected his mind, memory, and most of all, his magic. Sparky had been born blessed by the ancient Barghests as well, Chuffy believed. With fire. Chuffy was born of ash and shadow. Sparky of smoke and flame. One day, when the tribe was under Chief Chuffy's rule, his own brother would become his greatest rival. One day.

    Chuffy accusingly pointed a long dirty fingernail clogged with earwax at Sparky.

    "You're late! You're missing all the fun! To war we go! To the Dismal Caverns!"

    Chuffy had still been stomping his feet in rhythm to the chants, dancing, but now stopped. He looked warily up at Sparky.

    "Are you sure you're strong enough to make the journey, blessed brother? How far and in what direction are the Dismal Caverns?" he asked with piggy red eyes, a wide grin of sharp yellow teeth showing against his blackened face. In truth it was Chuffy who was the runt.
    Last edited by Bong Bellowsmoke; 08-26-2016 at 04:19 PM.
    The Red Condor shrieked at Sir Darvig in full wrath. Wings flapped storms of fire across the sky. "The Mage-God grows in power swifter than it appears to Paladine. This I know. A warning," Sargonnas told Darvigl, "for you to give to Paladine in your prayers."

    “I will,” Darvig uttered.

  7. #7
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    Great Chief Graalsk bellowed over the din of the goblins.

    “Goblins! Give me your attentio-Goblins! Brambl-GOBLINS!!! SHUT UP!”

    All kept quiet as he continued to yell, all except one far in the back.

    “Before us stand...Heroes! Soon they will be...MORE Hero!”

    Chomp, chomp, crunch.

    Sitting on his rear, only half listening sat Gruk. The tribe had another name for him, Dogbreath. Slobber ran down his sweat-stained leathers. In his left hand he held a fangfile, which he would periodically use in between his snacking. His right held his current morsel, the thighbone of a dog he killed only two days past.

    “Brambleclaws need help, need space to grow, need...Quest! Heroes of Brambleclaws! You go to our foes, the BoneDancers of Dismal Caverns. Defeat them! Bring Graalsk the staffs of their shamans. Great power in the staffs! Give Graalsk, and Brambleclaws, just what is needed! So, Go, Heroes! Get staffs, bring glory to tribe!”

    Chomp, chomp, crunchhhh.

    Feh!,Gruk thought. Gobs dumb-dumb. He killed buggy-head, Gruk no like.

    That's when some of the others closer to Chief Graalsk began chanting.

    Burn the Bones and Break the Dance, The Dismal Caverns have no chance...
    Burn the dance and break the bones, drive the bone dancers from their homes!

    Curious, Gruk stood to see what was getting the others excited.



    With his over-sized head balanced upon his tiny frame, Gruk would have been easy for other goblins to pick on and abuse. Though with that balloon-like head came a maw with too many teeth, so many that most of the time he could't close his mouth and drooled incessantly.
    Finally seeing over the others Gruk saw that Chuffy, one of Gobs followers was strutting around stirring everyone up.

    Chuffy think he so tough. Bet he tastes like dog., thought Gruk.

    "Move ye gits! Get ye away! I'll burn the lot o' ye drooling snotlings and eat ye fer supper! Chuffy!"

    Chomp, chomp, crackkkk.

    Gruk saw Chuffy's brother move though the sea of goblins, many scrambling to get out of the way of the caster. Most in the tribe didn't like Sparkskar. His use of things called words was something alien to goblins. Alot of goblins felt that words could steal the thoughts out of ones head, and writing a name meant death or worse for that goblin. Some wiser goblins knew that words meant magic, and that somtimes that magic went bad. Gruk was of the former thinking.

    Bet Sparkskar taste like burnt dog.

    Chomp, crunch, gulp. With the last of the dog thighbone gone, Gruk began to push forward though the others. At first it was hard going but then...BURPPPP! While others in the tribe could knock one out with the stench of their belches, none were as loud.
    Goblins began jumping out of his way. Most knew if one doesn't move from Gruk's way, he sometimes chews his way though anyway. Gruk had decided to "help" Gobs and his boys, if only that might give him the chance to eat Gobs for killing his bugbear friend. It didn't matter to him that the bugbear treated him a puppy he could kick when he wanted. To Gruk, the bugbear was the only one who could out eat Gruk. That meant alot to him.

    "You no go without Gruk! Gruk knows all paths though woods! Gruk be one can finds the boneys! Bite, bite, bite. Chomp, chomp, chomp. We dance on boneys heads! Stomp, stomp, stomp!"
    Last edited by Madkerik; 08-23-2016 at 09:06 PM.

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    "You no go without Gruk! Gruk knows all paths though woods! Gruk be one can finds the boneys! Bite, bite, bite. Chomp, chomp, chomp. We dance on boneys heads! Stomp, stomp, stomp!"
    Break! Break! Break! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
    Burn! Burn! Burn! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!
    We call that the goblin romp!
    Break! Burn! Chomp! Stomp!
    Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Break! Break! Break!
    Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Burn! Burn Burn!
    What's next for the goblins...?
    Yer dog will learn!
    Chomp! Break! Stomp! Burn!

    Chief Graalsk cringed as Dogbreath added himself to the group. He had hoped the tribe's skilled hunter would stay behind, as he was no friend of Gobs. Graalsk liked it when Dogbreath slew a dog, as Gruk always ended up giving some to the chief (who demanded a big chunk whenever he saw Dogbreath had some). Now, Graalsk would have to kill his own dog if he wanted to eat dog meat. Stupid Dogbreath.

    Goblins hooted

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuffy
    “You’re late! You’re missing all the fun! To war we go! To the Dismal Caverns!”
    Sparkskar answered his brother with a thump of the butt end of his spear on the ground. He may not have whooped and hollered like the lot of his clan gobbos, but his eyes burned bright yellow with intensity and his heart sang with anticipation for the slaughter and pillaging to come. Most of all, he wanted to get his grubby paws on the staffs that Graalsk mentioned.

    Shaman’s staffs, though born of a different sort of magic than he was used to, were still worthy of study and appreciation. If he could find a way to unlock their power Firetamer would become more potent, and therefore more likely to become boss! All he needed was some time with the artifacts and he could find a use for them. Surely he could keep one or two, so long as he had something to deliver to the fatheaded Graaslk. Or, if his power grew substantially he could unseat the smelly hob-lover and take the Brambleclaws for his own.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chuffy
    ”Are you sure you’re strong enough to make the journey, blessed brother? How far and in what direction are the Dismal Caverns?”
    Perhaps not, Sparkskar thought. He barely registered his brother’s jibe but still gestured annoying the direction of the stretch of forest they would need to travel. Just beyond was a river crossing, and then a short trek to their designated enemies.

    “About twelve Ogre arses that way, an’ past the running water.” He spoke knowing that Chuffy wouldn’t be able to count as high as twelve, but the runt would get the point nevertheless.

    As he thought about it more, maybe it would be best that he didn’t become boss of the Brambleclaws. Goblins at their best were ineffectual and unreliable. They’d fare poorly against larger and more skilled tribes, or more important, the armies of men. He needed bigger and badder minions to launch his plans of conquest upon the countryside. He needed Orcs by the thousands, Ogres by the hundreds, Hobs, Gobs, and Snotlings in mass. And a Dragon! Oh yes…a Dragon was what he needed. Better to let Chuffy take the tribe and Firetamer be the power behind the power. Yes, yes! That would be gloriously terrible.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gruk
    ”You no go without Gruk! Gurk knows all paths through the woods! Gruk be one can finds the boneys! Bite, bite, bite. Chomp, chomp, chomp. We dance on boney’s heads! Stomp, stomp stomp!”
    Sparkskar was drawn from his burning contemplations by the arrival of the sawtoothed one. Where Firetamer’s head was much too small, yet proportionately proper in his estimation, Gruk had a head more suitable for a giant, with rows of teeth that reminded the Elementalist of a manling tool for cutting down trees. Sparkskar wasn’t entirely convinced that Gruk couldn’t chew a tree down if he put his head to it. Perhaps such a thing could be useful one day? The cunning wizard buried the thought in his mind vault for later use. At the least it would be entertaining to see the little gob try.
    Talon Everett Human Daring Infiltrator3/Rogue1 Wrath of the Righteous
    Ashtari Windglade Kender Fighter2/Rogue7 Hourglass in the Sky
    Sparkskar Brambleclaw Goblin Fire Elementalist2 The Kingdom of Zog

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    Sparskar thought on the route to the Dismal Caverns. Barely a handful of miles from Thornkeep, nevertheless, it was far enough into the Echo Wood that the trip could easily get dangerous. First would be passing by Echo Cleft, then following the stream there north and east to the caverns. Dank and smelly and full of mud, the caverns were a good place for goblins, though most other races hated them, found them, well, dismal. The Bonedancers had been there for some time now. With the rise of the lich of Mosswater recently, their power had expanded. The shamans of the Bonedancers animated cadavers and controlled the mindless undead around them with the wave of a hand, or, more accurately, a staff... Many goblins, it seemed, would be going on this trip, but Sparkskar knew that many leaving would not come back, except possibly as a zombie. However they returned, though, Sparkskar knew that this would change the balance of power here and around Thornkeep. Perhaps enough power could even be gleaned to challenge the hobgoblin death cultists in the Pit of Chains. Only time, and success of course, would tell.

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